Saturday, September 06, 2014

Above Average Jokes

My daughter likes to tell and hear jokes. We were looking up and sharing some from the internet today.

Best Chuck Norris Jokes (My daughter loves these but has no idea who Chuck Norris is):
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Brett Farve can throw a football 50 yards.  Chuck Norris can throw Brett Farve 50 yards.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he wins fair and square.

A street named after Chuck Norris had to be renamed because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Best Chicken-Knock-Knock Joke :
Why did the chicken cross the road? To go to the losers house. Knock Knock. Whose there?  The Chicken.

Best Religion Jokes:
The Lord called John to come forth and receive eternal life.  Unfortunately, John came in fifth and only received a toster.

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "I sent you two boats!"

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later theres another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed. "No," the mans distant voice replies anxiously. "They are trying to resuscitate me."

Original ER Jokes (True):
A man goes to the ER for a paper cut. The doctor apoligizes, "I can't help you, I'm fresh out of lemon juice."

A woman goes to the ER carrying a dead spider in a plastic bag. The doctor asked, did the spider bit you?  The woman replies, "no, it just crawled on me and I just wanted to make sure I was alright."

Best Puns:
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''    

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Military Joke:
A submarine engineer failed at his job after mistakenly replacing the periscope with a kaleidoscope. When the submarine captain looked through the viewfinder he paniced and shouted, "we're surrounded!"

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)

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